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Munchin' the
Clock
© James Denning |
CAST: |
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| Arnie: |
A construction guy and a roach.
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| Ralph: |
A construction guy and a roaches
roach.
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| Tony: |
A shop steward, and also a roach.
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| Owner: |
It's her house, and she ain't
havin' it.
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FADE IN:
INT.
- KITCHEN - DAY
CLOSE
ON:
a blank wall, with the ominous sound of continuous
munching.
PAN
DOWN:
Revealing
a cabinet and then a sink. Slide right to a toaster oven and
zoom in to the area beneath it. The munching turns out to be
the work of a dozen roaches, each of which is standing on
two legs and wearing a hard-hat.
CLOSE
on:
two roaches, RALPH and ARNIE. Ralph is small
and slight. Arnie is larger and tougher looking. both are
wearing hard hats. |
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RALPH
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Hey, Arnie, how ya doin’
over there? |
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ARNIE
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Ah, don’t get me started --
I’m tired, I got people chasin’ me all over and my
chitinous exoskeleton is killin’ me. I think I’m gonna
molt. |
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RALPH
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Some days it just ain’t
worth being a roach. |
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ARNIE
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And just look at the
leftovers we gotta eat. I mean look around -- |
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Arnie holds up a label.
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ARNIE
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Mayonnaise pudding with clam
jerky? |
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Arnie crumples the label with one set of hands while he
gestures with the other.
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ARNIE
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Who eats this crap? |
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RALPH
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We do, Arnie, it’s our job
- |
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ARNIE
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It ain’t my job. I’m
callin’ the shop steward. |
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Arnie puts all four hands in his mouth and whistles. TONY
ambles on. tony is a mean looking roach and he is also wearing
a hard-hat.
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ARNIE
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Hey, Tony, how come the
roaches always get stepped on around here? |
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TONY
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You got a grievance, Arnie?
Let’s go see the owner. Hey, Lady! Yeah, you, Mrs.
I-Live-Here. |
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An enormous squinting eye and half a nose suddenly fill the
background behind Tony, Arnie and Ralph.
It’s the OWNER.
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OWNER
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Yeah, what? |
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TONY
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Yeah, Insects Local 57,
Roaches, and we got a problem here. |
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WIDE ON:
the
Owner, in profile, leaning down to talk to the
roaches. The roaches are standing next to the toaster oven. |
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OWNER
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I don’t see it. I leave
crumbs lyin’ around, you eat ‘em. We got a contract, end
of story, right? |
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CLOSE ON:
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TONY
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Uh-uh. Look here: |
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Tony puts on a pair of reading glasses.
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TONY
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(reading) Food is guaranteed
edible - broken up into small pieces no more than ten times
the weight of the average roach. |
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OWNER
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So? |
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TONY
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Look at this grape here that
fell of the counter and nearly killed my foreman! |
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Tony points.
WIDE
ON:
Four
roaches are trying to move a grape off another roach
pinned below.
CLOSE
on:
Tony,
standing very close to the Owner, gesturing angrily with
all four hands. |
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TONY
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You don’t leave us no donut
crumbs, you don’t spill no coffee on breaks and --
nacho-roasted minute steaks? Nobody eats this crap. |
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OWNER
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Are you saying your guys can’t
stomach it? |
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TONY
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What I’m sayin’ is that
we’re not just part of the domestic food chain, pal. I’m
saying we’re roaches, we’re union, and we don’t screw
around. You give us grief, we’re gone. |
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CLOSE ON:
THE OWNER, WHO IS AMUSED. |
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OWNER
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You mean all the vermin would
leave my house? Gee... |
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CLOSE on:
Tony
pointING at owner. |
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TONY
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It ain’t like that, lady.
We’re affiliated with IBR, the Independent Brotherhood of
Rats. If we’re out, they’re in and trust me -- you don’t
wanna sign a contract with those guys. |
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OWNER
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Who says I’ll sign with -- |
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WIDEN TO:
Tony,
Arnie and Ralph are laughing. |
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TONY
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Oh, you’ll sign. Trust me
buddy, you’ll sign. |
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OWNER
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Look, what if I -- |
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CLOSE ON:
Tony
gets right in the Owner’s face. |
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TONY
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Hey, don’t kid a kidder and
don’t bug a bug. You stick to that contract. |
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OWNER
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O.k., tell you what. I’ll
stick to my end if you’ll stick -- to yours. |
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WIDEN ON:
The
Owner uses her copy of the contract to pound Tony.
CLOSE
on:
ARNIE
AND RALPH ARE SHAKEN AND DISGUSTED. |
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ARNIE
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Hey! She squished Tony! |
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RALPH
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She crunched our shop
steward?! Can she do that? |
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ARNIE
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Check the contract. |
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Arnie and Ralph take two steps over to Tony,
who is still holding the contract in one shaky hand.
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RALPH
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Lemme see -- excuse me Tony
-- |
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Ralph takes the contract and wipes Tony off of
it. Arnie looks down at Tony and shakes his
head.
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TONY
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Uhhhhhhh... |
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RALPH
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(reading) The right to eat
tenant’s leftovers, right to walk on tenant’s toothbrush,
rights of tenant... uh, oh. |
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Ralph looks up, disappointed. Arnie grabs half
of the contract impatiently. They read together.
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ARNIE
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What’s it say? |
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RALPH
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Paragraph 3a: Tenant has
right to step on roaches, provided said roaches are not on a
scheduled break. She got Tony fair and square. |
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ARNIE
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She out-maneuvered Tony? On
our own contract? Talk about hardball! |
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The Owner’s enormous eye and nose appear again in the
background.
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OWNER
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Alright you vermin, back to
work! |
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A hand reaches in and wipes up Tony as Ralph and
Arnie each pick up a crumb.
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RALPH
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Man, some days it just doesn’t
pay to get out of the nest. |
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FADE OUT
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